I wish I would change

posted Feb 12, 2012 | views: 51 | Tags: depressed, thinking about life, harmful thoughts, stuck, lonely

I keep holding on to every negative thing I can. I don't want myself to advance.

I have dreams where I think about what it would be like if I were to hang myself. Or when I'm driving I wonder how quickly it would all be over if I just yanked the stirring wheel towards the trees.

I know whatever I do will have a ripple effect. Which is why I do nothing. Which is why I don't talk about this anymore. Because all it does is make people uncomfortable and worry. I also get very sick of hearing the same responses I already know to be true.

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

It's not the answer.

People love you, they would miss you.

etc...

I'm just a very lonely person. And sometimes that's very hard to live with.

Another I get sick of is people telling me I need to see a therapist. Gee, what a novel idea. I have been. I see a psychiatrist. I'm on medication. It does help me. But people think it just makes you all better and it doesn't. (I am no longer seeing a therapist for various reasons and have no intention of going back right now)

It's not the suicidal thoughts I can't cope with, it's the emptiness I feel day in and day out that I can't cope with. I know people don't know what to say to some of the things I might be feeling, so they say what they think will help or nothing at all. I know that. And I totally understand.

And all the things I'm told I should do to make my life better, I've tried. And the majority of the time it just reinforces how I already feel. Doing things doesn't make me feel better. It's making the connections to other people that counts. And that's the most disappointing thing to me.

So, I wish I would change. I wish I wouldn't be as aware as I am. I wish I wouldn't care so much. I just wish I was different. But I'm not. And I don't even hate myself. I just don't know what to do with myself.



Comments

  • SlickNick said Feb 12, 2012...
    You said, "It's making the connections to other people that counts". You are. You posted here which is not only therapeutic in of itself, but you are connecting with people. For instance me. I read your post and was generally moved by what I read because I have been in your shoes. I still struggle with depression and the feeling of being totally and completely alone even in a crowded room full of people. Call it what you will, social anxiety, extreme shyness, etc. It's a problem that adversely affects my life. The only advice I can give to you is that believe it or not, time heals all wounds. Try to find something you can lose yourself in. I play guitar and it really helps me to get my creative juices flowing. Just know that there are people who care that don't even know you. There is such a thing called empathy and there is humane and good people left in the world. I know it's hard to believe but it's true. If you ever need a friendly ear you know where to find me. Drunken joy it is for the sufferer to look away from his suffering and to lose himself. ~ Nietzsche
  • dreamerr said Feb 13, 2012...
    Thanks SlickNick. Your post actually helped me a lot. I suffered from social anxiety for most of my life. It's very real and it took me a very long time to get over it. But I did. But those accomplishments don't mean anything anymore. I crave so much more. I have these really high expectations of myself and I often fail miserably. I know it's harmful to myself to think like that. I guess if I don't set them unreasonably high, then I won't fail them as much. There are still many things I need to figure out about myself, but sick of it. I do need something I can lose myself in, that's healthy. I actually have a guitar, but I don't know how to play it. My uncle gave it to me. I refuse to get rid of it though. At times I've been able to get lost in writing, but with that, I don't have the luxury of losing myself in it. It's where I end up facing myself, so I tend to pick my words very carefully these days.
  • SlickNick said Feb 13, 2012...
    I see so much of myself in you. I too always have had high expectations of myself. I finally figured out that most of the things I was aiming for were totally unattainable or unrealistic. But I've often surprised myself and accomplished big goals by breaking it down into little tiny parts. If you would like to learn to play guitar the internet has plenty to offer you. I wish the internet was around when I was a kid. I'd probably be pretty good by now. But now I'm showing my age so don't tell anyone. =D Maybe you should write more to face those inner demons of yours. And if you don't want to do that, maybe you could write a fantasy story or something you haven't tried to write before. Cheers!

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